The most disturbed relation: The Father and The Son!
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The relationship between a father and a son is the most complex and crumbling relationship in the human sphere. During the initial years, the mother becomes the son’s best friend. The relationship between the mother and son blossoms and remains as a beautiful memory for the both for their rest of the lives. The mother teaches the son what unconditional love is about, how to be respectful, and how should one care. Mother is often responsible for inculcating the morals and ethics a child acquires as he becomes a part of this society.
Man is perceived to be more practical, less on an emotional note and more on a sensible side, when compared to a woman. For reasons unknown, a mother is always found to be closer to the son in his childhood, and until his early 20’s. But things do change for a matter of fact later in life. Though the bond between the mother and the son remains intact, the bond between the father and the son evolves and develops.
Role of the father in the modern society!
In the modern society, a father at large is‘The Disciplinarian and The Provider’. The mother portrays the father as ‘the one who punishes the child for the wrongdoings.’ The fear instilled in the child by the mother creates a void between the child and the father. It overshadows the love and respects the child has towards his father. The role of a father more or less is perceived as ‘Head Master at home’ by the son.
‘A Man is meant to work, and a woman is meant to take care of the Child.’
The statement has a deeper sense than what it appears to communicate. From the past 250 years, the role of a father is diminishing. Being the half in the 23rd chromosome (the sex chromosome) of a child, the father hardly gets time to spend with his child. While people call it a male-dominant society, fathers claim it a mother-dominant society as far as raising a son is concerned.
The Disciplinarian:
The Father spends most of his time with his co-workers and office staff than with his family. On an average, he attends 10 hours of work, traveling for about 2 hours, and sleeps for 8 hours. This is the daily routine of a billion fathers around the globe. The father hardly gets time to check with his son, spend some time and play with him. All that he is expected, forced and made to do is to ‘Discipline’ the child even in the little time he ever gets. The notion, ‘I’m going to tell dad about what you have done. You should be seriously taught what discipline means,’ makes the dad a Villain in a young child’s mind. Isn’t the mother supposed to discipline the child? Why is it only the father that should discipline and be harsh towards a child? Why can’t the father behave the way he wants with the son?
Knowing or unknowingly, the mother creates a huge gap between the father and the son. Her constant reminder of ‘father, the disciplinarian’, ‘father, the strict guy,’ father, the headmaster’, keeps the son away from his father during his childhood, at times even in his teens. In some cases, son’s dependence on his mother goes beyond normal, where he expects his mother to act as a form of communication between him and his father. There cannot be anything more pitiful than a mother being a communicator between a father and a son.
The Provider:
When it comes to the child’s enrollment in a local school or an international school, or buying a toy or a sports bike, or taking the family on a holiday vacation to a hill station or an international vacation, it’s got to do with a father’s earning. It’s the father who has to meet the demands and fulfill the wishes of a family from time to time.
There are fathers who had sacrificed their lives to support their children. When the father earns a hefty sum, his family’s economic and social standards are elevated, and if not, it’s the vice versa. Right from the ancient times, the man of the house is meant to toil hard for the well-being of his family. This ‘nature’ is often distorted as ‘his inability to spend time’ with the family.
If the children are intending to lead a luxurious life, they need to realize it is at the expense of their father’s valuable time with them. The mother in the house needs to be supportive and cooperative. The mother should mold and teach the son about the importance of relationships, love, and affection, rather than the lifestyle one can experience with a bungalow, car, or with the latest gadget.
In most cases, the fathers are pushed to more money, to ensure the children are leading rich lifestyle luxurious and high social life. In that quest, the fathers often forget they are ‘half-the-parent’, and start considering themselves as ‘full-time-providers’.
These workhorses (the fathers) get excited when they see their employees perform better. Citing work as a reason, most Fathers don’t attend the child’s parent-meet at the school. Don’t you think the fathers would love to see the teacher praising his son? Well, they are destined to miss those magical moments. They miss the opportunity to develop the bonding with the son. The fail to become their son’s best friend with whom his son can share. The distance the ‘philosopher-guide’ in them to their son, who looks for advice and guidance especially during his teens, and they miss the opportunity to be a part of memorable movements with his son, who wished his father would be!
The decisive role played by the society!
The respect a father holds in a family is decided by his economic abilities and social status. For someone who is not earning as much as his peers, he is often met with criticism from his own family members. While his wife nags about his earning capabilities, his children remind his inability with their steep wishes. To make things worse, a father is made to believe that ‘earning respect means, earning money’.
It’s absolutely a herculean task to meet the needs of everyone in a joint family. To create comfort and breathing space for ‘his family’, within his earning capabilities, joint families are trimmed down to nuclear families. With father at work and mother with her own household work, children go often unnoticed when they are at home. Children are deprived of growing in the presence of ‘fathers’ (uncles and grandfather). No wonder, they fall short in understanding what bonding with a father would be like.
The corporate culture is definitely one of the reasons for worsening father-son relationships. The companies are more than glad to host a weekend party for its workforce but hesitate to send the staff an hour earlier. They make them work for those ‘extra 2 hours’ without their knowledge. The Corporate entities lure them with weekend parties and bonuses.
From what was supposed to be an 8-8-8 day (8 hours of work, 8 hours of recreation, and 8 hours of relaxation), it has become a 12-6-6 day (12 hours of work, 6 hours of a hindrance, and 6 hours of distressed rest). The demands that a father needs to meet at the workplace are greater than what he is expected to meet in the home. Most children have adapted themselves to a thought that, ‘Father’s life is all about his work, and the family shouldn’t expect anything more from him.’
The letter that brought tears rolling down….
Despite the straining father-son relationships in today’s society, a father who recently passed away left a letter to his 9-year-old son. He did mention how to go ahead in his life due to his absence. Get ready for a heart-wrenching experience while you go through the letter!
‘Dear son, this is your father writing this. This is the first letter I’m writing in my life. Maybe, it remained first for this reason. Given your age and your acquaintance with the language, you wouldn’t be able to understand what this letter means. You will discover the secrets your father has hidden from you, just like how I discovered the secrets from my father. Dear, you need to be extremely cautious. You need to travel the breadth and width of the world. The experience you gain through those journeys will be precious. Love the books as much as you can. Each book will teach you a new lesson. Your father and grandfather were lost in the sea of books. I’m sure you would be on the same lines given the DNA in the blood.
Instead of going with the wind, choose your own direction. Attend the profession that you love, and not what you are told to. Happiness and joy will accompany you when you do something that you love. Help anyone who is seeking your help. Even if its causes hardships, do help them some way or the other. The happiness it gives you is unbelievable. Make sure you are close to your relatives, but also ensure you know how to keep them away. Friendship is the most valuable relationship of all the relationships in this world. Look for good friends, and make them a part of your life. With time, you will be on the right path in their company.
My father managed to convey all these things without telling me. But, Dear son, I choose to share with you these things, because I felt like telling you. It’s only your birth that made me realize my father’s love and affection towards me. Go through this letter when you reminisce your father while you are spending time with your children and grandchildren. You can find me in the tears that roll down your cheeks!”
This letter was written by famous Tamil lyricist Mutthukumar to his son, who passed away on 14th of August 2016 in Chennai. The lyricist was battling with Jaundice for a long time. His son was around 9 years at the time of his death.
The great philosopher Chanakya stated in his book about raising a son.
‘Raise the child with utmost care and love and pamper him. And for the next 10 years until he turns 16, teach him discipline, manners, and respect. Be strict with him. From his 16th year, be like a friend who wishes to spend time with you, be with you and enjoys your company.’
But fate had other thoughts for Mutthukumar to follow. All saidMutthu Kumar had left an indefinite advice for his son to follow.
The future of Father-son relationship
The distance between the father and son is swelling with every generation. There might be a day when fathers are forced to limit themselves to providing the ‘amenities’ and give the family a social status. ‘Father’ and his family might end up living in different cities. His visits might be 6 in a year, and his outings with family might make him feel he is with ‘strangers’. His secrets and best moments might be with his colleagues, and he might end up being remembered for the birth he has given to his son and the death that greets him one day!
Note:
Most of the readers going through this article might be in their early 20’s or late 20’s. Most of you might have a kid or two. Do understand and realize the importance and impact a ‘Father’ can have on a son’s life. If one traces the lives of thieves, terrorists, rapists and other social sabotage forces, we wouldn’t be finding a father with them. Maybe, if the above mentioned had a father (or father-like figure) throughout their lives, we might be living in a peaceful, safer and sensible society. As they say, there is no replacement for mother’s love and affection in a child’s life, similarly, there is no replacement for father’s support, experience, and advice to a son in his life! After all, a father wishes to see himself in the transformation of his son!
The future of Father-son relationship
The distance between the father and son is swelling with every generation. There might be a day when fathers are forced to limit themselves to providing the ‘amenities’ and give the family a social status. ‘Father’ and his family might end up living in different cities. His visits might be 6 in a year, and his outings with family might make him feel he is with ‘strangers’. His secrets and best moments might be with his colleagues, and he might end up being remembered for the birth he has given to his son and the death that greets him one day!
Note:
Most of the readers going through this article might be in their early 20’s or late 20’s. Most of you might have a kid or two. Do understand and realize the importance and impact a ‘Father’ can have on a son’s life. If one traces the lives of thieves, terrorists, rapists and other social sabotage forces, we wouldn’t be finding a father with them. Maybe, if the above mentioned had a father (or father-like figure) throughout their lives, we might be living in a peaceful, safer and sensible society. As they say, there is no replacement for mother’s love and affection in a child’s life, similarly, there is no replacement for father’s support, experience, and advice to a son in his life! After all, a father wishes to see himself in the transformation of his son!
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